At moment I'm just sitting here and pondering that I'm in the month before my exam. More-than-normal crunch time. I haven't seen people in so long. And yet amid the conversations I have at church, there are people that are just glad to see me. And there are others that have strong opinions against my exams. "Quit now" "Idol worshipper" come to mind. I can only imagine that my profession and it's demands are harder on me than on anyone else. And how to convince others regarding idol worship or not... I guess they just should be left up to their own opinions and are free to judge others as they please. An opportunity of mine to fear men less.
I admit it: I'm not a genius. There, I said it. I've had conversations with others at church too about how sometimes it's easy to envy those that can pass these exams fast. I do get jealous. And I still struggle with looking left and right. BUT, God created us all different. What comforts me is a few verses I read in Galatians a few months ago...
Galatians 6:1 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.4 But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another. 5 For each one will bear his own load.
I realize that this is in context to carrying the burdens of others. Each person will be able to handle a different amount. Yet I see this as a way to also let go of the jealousy that I may have towards others. Others will be smarter. Others will be able to handle a heavier spiritual load. Others will be able to do great, great things for God. We're all different parts of the body. And, maybe there will be those that have to handle less. And maybe, that's me. I know that I can't handle too many things. And I think the Lord is okay with that.
At moment, I think the best course of action is to try my best on the upcoming exam. The Lord gave me my job, may I do my best to honor Him in it. I have sacrificed a lot and have tried my best. If I fail, I don't think I'll have regretted trying to do my best. And if this is the end of the road, I pray that those around me will know that I've tried my best and did my best not to drag the Lord's name through the mud.
It will be okay if I fail. But only because I tried my best.
I'm not sure I've done what the Lord has wanted me to do these past 5 years.
But from the limited information that I have, I've tried. I've tried.
And maybe not everyone will have agreed with my decisions, but that should be okay too.
There should be only one's opinion that matters. Only one.
Yet I'm sure I disappoint Him too since I'm not perfect.
Philippians 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing; 15 so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
Lord, please help me not to grumble in this process as well.
Please help me to endure just a bit longer.
